Raj Ahluwalia, My Grandmother

When I returned to Montreal from my brief birthday visit to Ottawa, it was for a very short time. On the 9th, literally moments after posting my last couple entries on this blog, I received a phone call. My grandmother, Raj Ahluwalia, or as I call her, Dadima, had had a stroke. I left for Ottawa the next day. Surprising everyone, myself included, she endured the first few days, then weeks, and had even started showing signs of recovery. But then, on the 21st, her heart failed and she was gone.

Admittedly, it wasn't much of a surprise. Her health (most specifically, her blood pressure, water retention, and a serious persistent back pain) had been steadily worsening in the last year, and that seemed to be escalating rapidly. In the time between my leaving for Montreal on August 7th and returning for my birthday on September 1st, her condition had become so bad that she was barely able to function without supervision 24/7. Upon seeing her, I hadn't expected her to make it to the end of the year. But even I was surprised at how sudden this was.

Before I get into my more personal writings on the topic, here is the eulogy I gave:

"I wasn't planning to speak today, not because I didn't want to. Rather, I couldn't find the words to do this marvelous woman justice. But, I think I did finally find the word: mother. Raj Ahluwalia, my Dadima, above all else, was a mother.

But not in such a limited way many might take the word. To her, everyone was her children. She loved indiscriminately, even sometimes to her detriment, and the warmth and generosity she showed everyone she met was unparalleled. She treated everyone she met as one of her own children, be it distant relatives or even complete strangers, and I think that was clear to anyone that met her.

I remember a story from when she was a teacher at Andrew Fleck. My aunt came to pick her up at the end of the day, and the children asked who she was. She was of course Raj's daughter. The children responded "but she's out nanima". And she was. Her shrewdness, her will, her playfulness, and most importantly, her love... These were gifts she shared with everyone.

It's true that I lost my grandmother, and that she was one of the dearest people to me, but that seemed inadequate. The truth is, the world lost a mother. But she does live on, through the love she gave to all of us, all of her children."

I had a very hard time writing that. As I mention in the text, I originally had said I wouldn't speak, mostly because I couldn't think of what I could say. But the word mother stuck with me, and made it clear.

I do a decent amount of roleplaying, and in that sphere I often play mother figures. I even like to consider that I make a pretty good fatherly figure, despite my age. Emotionally though, I've always had a hard time. It doesn't come to me all that naturally to express warmth. In most situations, I emulate it as best I can. But a lot of what I mimic, the attitudes, the feelings, the warmth... Most of that comes from her. My grandmother is quite possibly the most motherly figure I have ever known.

Her behaviour bordered on stereotypical in that regard. Any time someone visited, she insisted that they be fed and cared for. She'd accept people with open arms no matter who they were (in fact, in the last months she showed great kindness to a woman who turned out to be a blatant thief and liar; I don't usually hold grudges, but I will never forgive that woman for taking advantage of Dadima the way she did). I had never seen her raise her voice or act aggressively, but she could bring an authoritative tone and once that came, people responded.

She wasn't a fool either. She was superstitious, very particular, and sometimes overly protective of others certainly (I would often debate with her about simple things like picking up a bag she thought was too heavy, taking the bus at night, or taking out the trash without putting on my shoes), but she knew how to deal with people. Truth be told the only reason the thieving woman got the better of the family was that Dadima was too frail to keep an eye on her herself (I was in Montreal and my aunt worked while this woman kept the house). Dadima would rarely be bested in a game of wits or will, and almost always got her way. She was also a fantastic mediator. When my father died and there was a vicious split between my father's side of the family and my mother, it was my grandmother that ultimately made the move to resolve things. She's the only member of the trio of my father's parents and sister that my mother still held significant affection for (that's perhaps a story for another time).

One other thing about her that was remarkable was her spirit. Dadima was someone who didn't give up, and brimmed with a liveliness rarely seen in people. She loved to dance, and it was pretty much impossible to find her wearing anything that could ever be described as "dull". She had for a long time said she would dance at my graduation, and despite her condition making it hard for her to stand for very long, sure enough when the time came dance she did. Another thing that stuck with my aunt when we were in the hospital is that at one point early on when all seemed lost, she gripped her hand and said "I'm an Ahluwalia. We're fighters." And sure enough she ended up lasting much longer than anyone expected. Long enough that she was able to speak to the many people that called and visited. To be perfectly honest, I was doubtful that my next day bus ride would get me back in time to see her, but I was able to stay by her side and speak to her for twelve days. Given what everyone was saying, that alone was extraordinary. But then again, Dadima was the kind of person who would do the opposite of what you demanded of her just on principle.

Anyway, I know at this point my ramblings are getting convoluted and anecdotal (if they were ever coherent in the first place). Primarily this was just a cathartic release of thoughts for myself anyway. But I think I'll wrap it up now.

Dadima was among the only people I've ever felt a strong emotional bond with, and now that's gone. I still have doubts, because she had made it very clear she rather would have wanted that I stay near her, and with myself and my mom pretty much abandoning Ottawa she lost a sizeable portion of her remaining local connections (even if I was just a two hour ride away). It marked an end of an era, and I'll forever suspect that in that sense, I contributed to her death. I can't say that I regret the act of moving itself, but that guilt over what it did to her in that final time will be something I'll have to live with. On the other hand, I'm glad that after all the pain she was suffering, she is finally at peace. Additionally, I am glad in a way that it happened while I was still not employed, so that I could return to see and be with her for the time she had left.

Rest well, Dadima. I will always love you. -Your Sunshine

Pins and Personal Logo

I meant to write about this quite some time ago. Before I moved, in fact. However the move to Montreal happened much faster and as a result writing about this topic went to the back burner. But now that things have settled a bit, here we are.

You may be wondering what that is, or at least why I posted it. If you've met me before, or looked at one of my online accounts or business cards, you may recognise it. You've probably already noticed it on this very site. The pin on my jacket is of my personal logo. In this post, I'm going to talk a little about what it is, and what it represents. It's not especially deep, but it may serve as a little window into my mind and interests.

The first thing to note is that this logo is a combination of several elements: the Greek letter psi, a trident, and a fish hook. All of these combine to form the letter J (my first initial). Each of the components of this symbol represents an interest of mine.

Psi is a fairly straightforward symbol. I am an avid fan of psychology and the social sciences. How the mind works is something I find fascinating to study, especially in how it relates to others in the grand network of what we call society. The mind is the domain I feel most strongly connected to, as it is perhaps the subject I find most interesting to learn about, and the one I wish to direct my efforts towards. My greatest ambition is to not only better understand the mind, but to give others pause to explore that venue themselves, and perhaps in the process learn something about themselves, others, and the world they live in. Video games have a unique place in how they can affect people, both emotionally and intellectually. That is a power I wish to harness and use for the betterment of mankind, even in the most seemingly mundane ways.

The second component I mentioned was the trident. This is more thematic than the other components. Simply put, I really like water. Blue is my favourite colour, I always played with Poseidon in Age of Mythology, most of my favourite animals growing up were aquatic, and at one time I thought I wanted to become a marine biologist. You should have seen my rooms prior to moving. The first was completely covered in dolphins and aquatic themes (I even painted the room with that in mind), and the second had an underwater wallpaper across a sizeable chunk of the room. See below:

Yeah, I really liked aquatic stuff. I still do, though I'm perhaps not as obsessed as I once was. Nonetheless, a lot of things about water I find relate to me. Calmness, going with the flow, adapting to one's surroundings, knowing how to find the most effective path, playing the long game (think erosion)... I think there is a lot to be said for having a "watery" temperament, as opposed to a fiery one (same with the other elements; that reminds me, maybe I should toss my idea of the elemental personality types up here some time).

The last aspect is the hook. At first glance, this could very easily be tied in with the trident aspect, and that wouldn't be inaccurate. But it also wouldn't be accurate to just stop there. A big part of the hook's symbolism related to interpersonal relations and the idea of debate and tactics. I've always been a big fan of debate and discussions. My father was a lawyer and my grandfather a diplomat/real estate agent, so I guess it's something of a hereditary predisposition. One of the ideas I value highly is the that of letting your target come to you (i.e. baiting). It simply makes tactical sense to prompt your subject to spend their efforts coming to you. When done correctly I've found it to be far more effective than any offense, and as such I've integrated that philosophy into a lot of my behaviour. I don't impose, I ask. I don't attack, I parry. I let others come to me, and provide what benefits I can to keep them coming. That may sound more devious or creepy than it actually is, and there is a lot more complexity and nuance to the idea than I can properly convey without turning this into a wall of text, but sufficed to say the hook represents my appreciation for the effectiveness of luring techniques.

And finally, they all come together to create a J. A J that stands for Justin. Me. Not much to say there beyond that. So, why put it on a pin? Well, I've always liked wearing self-identifying symbols for one. In high school it was a shark necklace (which now that I think about it, I got while in Montreal, heh), in university it was a Homestuck Virgo pin, and now it's this. Furthermore, I find it to be a good ice breaker (people like to ask about it: see what I mean about the hook thing?). Plus, it shows off my aesthetic and design skills. In a way, this pin allows me to wear my heart on my sleeve. And for someone who doesn't like talking about himself to other people (don't get me wrong, I like talking about myself, but only if the person wants to listen. That's why I like writing here: people only read it if they want to), that's worth slapping a piece of plastic on my chest.

Seems like a lot of consideration to put into a simple symbol, doesn't it? That's just how I roll.

EDIT: There is one thing I neglected to mention, and that's the concept of three. You might notice I mentioned that my symbol is made of three components, and at least two of those components are three-pronged symbols themselves. This isn't accidental. Three is my favourite number (Actually it's 31, but 3 is my favourite single digit), however it's also indicative of another perspective of mine: that of the trichotomy (which you might have guessed is also where I got my user and website name from). More and more I've found modern culture to focus on the ideas of dichotomies. Us versus them mentalities that place everything in black and white, good and evil, right and left. In terms of social and political conditions, polarising radicalism has become more and more rampant lately.

This attitude is something that has always concerned me, but in more recent years I've come to appreciate the importance of dispelling false dichotomies. The term trichotomy is my way of pointing out that there is a path besides any two extremes, and that path is the nuanced approach of the moderate, that can see the values and validity of both sides and pursue solutions that work towards a benefit without alienation. Of course, the various spectrum of opinion are rarely split into just three sides either, but the simple leap from black and white to black and white AND grey is a significant enough distinction that I believe it must be brought back to the common conscience. As someone who holds many liberal views, but finds the radicalism and exclusionary tactics of the extreme left distasteful and even harmful, a big part of my identity is trying to bring to light the moderate perspective of someone who has not been indoctrinated to a single "side", but instead seeks to understand and mediate the two extremes. If that seems like a confusing or overly simplistic statement, rest assured I'll explain myself in due time, as I further populate this blog with my thoughts.

Montreal: A One Month Impression

As of writing this, it's been just a little over a month that I've lived in Montreal. I've made my first trip back to my old home as a non-resident and had my first out of town guests over. I think it's safe for me to consider myself a resident of the city. And with that, now seems as good a time as any to give my impressions of it.

Coming from a town like Ottawa, Montreal is a massive change. The city is bustling. There is a variety of people, culture, places, and experiences here that simply cannot be compared. It helps that in this city I live just a stone's throw away from downtown, right in the heart of everything, whereas in Ottawa I lived in a suburb close but not quite in the heart of the city. However even with that taken into account, the difference is staggering.

Among the first things I observe in a city is the people. And call me vain, but what I noticed first was their fashion sense. Comparatively speaking, people in Montreal dress very well. For context here, Ottawa is a government city. People there by and large dress like bureaucrats: pret-a-porter suits or simple dress shirt, tie, slacks... And sneakers. With all due respect to the Tenth Doctor, there's something wrong with wearing a suit and sneakers to work (I know why, but still). As someone who dresses in three piece suits all the time and sticks out like a sore thumb more often than not, there was something deeply satisfying about coming to this place and finding groups of people similarly dressed. Right away it gave me the sense that I fit in. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of hoodies and t-shirts and guys with beards too, but at least my style has some representation in there as well. Oh, and I neglected to mention, but the girls here seem to take way more care of themselves and their appearance. Maybe the over-exposure to university students wandering around the campus in sweatpants and pajamas is to blame here, but there's something really refreshing about seeing people (both guys and girls) putting in the effort to look pretty.

Another factor is the language. Montreal is unique in Canada in that it's distinctly French, but is sufficiently metropolitan that you will still find plenty of English. It's funny considering Ottawa, what with being the capital and sitting on the border to Quebec, is dominated by English save for a few pockets of French. I know this because I spent my childhood in those pockets and University out of them. In the first year out of a French school, I started losing my French so fast it terrified me (and I was good at French too). Coming here, I feel it's much easier to be bilingual. Of course, my Ontario accent is glaring enough, but I imagine it will change with time (for the record, Ontario French is like a weird half breed between France French and Quebec French; not all Canadian French is the same).

And then there's the culture. Food, entertainment, lifestyle... Everything here is just so much more flavourful. As one might expect from a government city (especially a Canadian government city), Ottawa is fairly milquetoast. Granted, for the most part it suited me well enough (don't get me wrong, I do really like Ottawa, as much as this post may suggest otherwise; it was simply too dull for me), but there's something about the looseness and easygoing attitude in this city that I feel I really needed in my life. It's encouraging me to go out and see things I might otherwise have ignored. I'm experimenting. I'm wandering and looking to unlock the secrets of the city, and I can tell that there is so much more here for me to explore than there ever was in my home town. I won't deny, it is a huge perk that I am an absolute sucker for French Canadian food (lumberjack breakfasts, poutine, smoked meat, bagels, etc.) and this city is known for most of my favourite dishes (heck, my favourite seasoning is called "Montreal steak spice).

I should note that though most of my comparisons have been to Ottawa, I've had the good fortune of traveling a lot in my youth. I've been to many large cities in Europe and even a couple further East (before it became quite as tumultuous as it is today). I've seen both historical cities and modern cities, and everything in between. Montreal of course has many of these things. Just from looking at certain parts of it the historical influence of the French is obvious. I live very close to the Old Port area and have visited it a few times now. It's as touristy as any tourist trap might be. Admittedly, that's something I've never been fond of in cities. It usually lacks the authenticity of the real thing in favour of snagging a few extra coins out of tourists who don't know any better. Fortunately, as a modern city Montreal isn't nearly as caught up in this aspect of its culture as many other cities are. The Old Port is nice to visit, but it's also fairly well delineated and distinct from other regions of the city, which cater to every type of interest that might be sought (except of course the quiet farmland). There's something I appreciate deeply about a city that can acknowledge and celebrate its past, but doesn't dwell on it (comments about Quebec separatism aside).

So, all that is to say, in the month I've lived here, Montreal already feels very much like home. It is a city that is very much my speed, that I feel not only comfortable in, but also exited by. As I've returned to my efforts to find employment (no luck so far, but I'm preparing for my next volley as I write this; business cards, networking, new personal projects, the whole shebang), I do so with a sense that I'm on the right track, and that I made the right choice in coming here to forge my new life.

Now, I just have to start building it.

All Moved In

It's been a little over a week since I moved in, and as of yesterday, I finally finished up cleaning and getting rid of the moving boxes. Now that my place is all set up, I can actually show it off properly! I must admit I'm very pleased with the result.

Since I first walked into this condo, I knew it would be exactly the kind of place for me. The space is large enough for me to comfortably host guests, but small enough to not feel overly spacious. Everything is clean, sleek, modern, and angular (just the way I like it). I have amenities I've only dreamed of having (a pool, hot tub, billiards table, sauna, gym...). While it is on the first floor sound and security aren't issues. I'm close to every major resource I could possibly need (groceries, pharmacy, metro, restaurants, dry-cleaning, office supply store, etc.). I'm comfortable, and have everything I could want to take advantage of. But most importantly, I feel at home here.

I think what shocked me the most though after all the unpacking was just how much space I have. As you might see from the images, I still have plenty of storage space. Of course, I packed things tightly and I'm still missing some furniture (lamps and a television come to mind), but even if I spread some of my stuff out more, there's more room here than I know what to do with at the moment.

But I'm quite fine with that, because what it means is that despite bringing with me several things from my past, there is plenty of room for new things. I consider it to be a good representation of life as a whole: though there's plenty written in it, there's always plenty of blank canvas to fill.

Now that I'm settled in here, my next step is to go out and explore the city with full gusto. I'm going back into the job search, building plans for self improvement, and seeking out all the opportunities I can to take full advantage of this new place. Fortunately, I'll be doing it from a very comfortable base of operations.

A New Home

Since last Wednesday, I had been visiting Montreal. I only just got back today a few hours back. I'm happy to say, it was a trip well worth taking.

It has been my intention to move from Ottawa to Montreal for a good few years now. There was a myriad of reasons for this, and I'll get to those in a moment, but to me such a move has been something of a no-brainer for quite some time. And as of this past weekend, I can proudly say that I've found the condo of my dreams. It covered everything on my list and then some. And thanks to a wonderful real estate agent by the name of Stéfanny Fodor, I'm happy to announce It will be mine come August.

So, why the move from my hometown? Don't get me wrong, I love Ottawa and all things considered this house has proven an ideal base of operations, but this move is in many ways necessary for me. The most evident reason is the career opportunities: Montreal is a massive hub for game development, AAA and otherwise. There is a massive thriving industry there that simply does not exist in Ottawa (at least not right now). Additionally, Montreal is a much bigger and more lively city (let's be fair, Ottawa is about as tame as it gets as far as major population centres go).

But most importantly, this move is also a change. Barring my visits to other countries, I've lived in Ottawa my entire life, and truth be told I've grown a bit too comfortable here. In this period in my life, that sort of stagnation isn't something I want weighing me down. So, to me it makes perfect sense to go out of my comfort zone by going somewhere new. It forces me to break old habits and take advantage of all the opportunities life has given me. I'm still young after all, so this is exactly the time to build a new life for myself.

Of course, as far as risks go it's still pretty safe. I'm only a short bus or train ride from my home and family. I already have friends who are staying in Montreal. I'm also bilingual so there's no language barrier. Not to mention I have financial support at the ready if I really need it. I'm extremely fortunate to have all of that going for me, but you can be sure I'm not about to squander it. I'm going to put in the effort to make the most of my advantages.

I'm already updating my CV and applying to jobs. With any luck I'll land a position before I move. If not, well I'm just going to keep trying. Persistence is necessary when it comes to this sort of stuff. I'm confident that sooner or later I'll find my in. Not certain (because one can never be entirely certain of anything), but confident. And for now, that's enough.

Wish me luck! I'll take care of the rest.

PS. Stéfanny Fodor really is an exceptional real estate broker. She was highly professional and competent, made sure to filter options to match my needs and budget, carefully detailed and explained every step of the process, was fluently bilingual, and was also just a very enjoyable individual to spend time with (the coffee and free rides around the city also helped). Having seen how other brokers handle their tasks and how this process can go, my experience was remarkably smooth, and she is in large part to thank for that.

If you happen to be looking to buy/sell a place in Montreal, she's definitely worth looking up. She comes with my highest recommendation. Merci, Stéfanny!

Starting Content Complete

I'm proud to say that as of now, I've added all the content I can think to add at the moment for this site. Barring a couple small exceptions, I've included just about every worthwhile piece of content I've produced in recent memory. Those few exceptions I'll be looking into at a later date. For all intents and purposes, this site is on its gold release.

Now I can go back to making new things to add to it. Or at least, I will after my trip to Montreal.

New Beginnings

As of yesterday, I have officially graduated from BIT (the Bachelor of Information Technology, more specifically, the Interactive Multimedia and Design stream). It was five years of difficult work and many challenging projects, but it was greatly valuable for me as a designer. I left high school with very little design training; all I had was some artistic skill and a whole lot of ideas. Now I've also come to appreciate how difficult bringing ideas into reality can be. That said, I also know that it's well within my ability.

And so, with school done, I can begin the pursuit of my dream: to become a video game designer. I've already begun the job hunt, and am seriously pursuing a move to Montreal. As much as I love Ottawa, it's much too quiet for my tastes, and Montreal has the big studios and international recognition I want to tap into as I start making a name for myself in the industry. I have the skills and the knowledge, so now it's just a matter of getting the experience.

That makes this the perfect time for me to start this site. It will serve as a record of my quest. I have no illusions that it won't be difficult, and I can't pretend to know where it might take me. Will I achieve the dream of becoming the creative director for a major franchise I came up with? Will my ideas be the source of inspiration for future generations? Will I make games that people around the world enjoy? Or will my life take me somewhere else? Perhaps I'll find fulfillment in something I've never considered. Who knows. But some day, I'll be able to look back through this site and be able to answer those questions.

I invite you to follow me on that journey. As I go, I'll update this site with my work, the major events of my life, and whatever thoughts I might think pertinent enough to write about. Hopefully, it will be inspirational, thought-provoking, and entertaining. With any luck, all three at once. But, as with everything else in life, only time will tell.